Chauffeur
by Whenntooda
Summary: Jason Todd gets a call. His new mission... pick up his brothers from school. Will he, or anyone else survive?
1. Chapter 1

Okay, so I've wanted to do this for some time. I'm putting my Shades Of Scarlet on hiatus, kinda let newcomers get caught up to the stories. In the meantime, I'm gonna write a tale about the Bat Family, because it's so much fun. Imagine this live action, with the cast being...

**JASON TODD - JENSEN ACKLES  
****DICK GRAYSON - JARED PADELECKI  
DAMIAN WAYNE - PICK A KID  
TIM DRAKE - I DUNNO  
CASSANDRA CAIN - NO CLUE  
BARBARA GORDON - NOPE  
ALRED PENNYWORTH - MICHAEL CAINE  
BRUCE WAYNE - CHRISTIAN BALE**

* * *

**It was a normal day in Gotham.**

By normal, we mean it actually was normal. Not ridden with crime, or deep in winter's fog. It was a sunny, warm day, perfect weather, and you could almost feel the spring coming.

Jason Todd hated it.

Granted, Jason hated almost everything, but this was an especially bad day for him. His team, the Outlaws, had been disbanded, and he himself was under some heat from the Justice League for "excessive power" used during the last crisis that had threatened Earth. He personally blamed Superman, thinking the Kryptonian was getting a little too alien loving.

And then he remembered Starfire was an alien. And that brought him back to his depression.

Surprisingly, the only person who had stood up for him was Batman himself. Jason had always thought his tactics were too harsh for Bruce, but apparently his one rule didn't extend to alien bastards. Maybe there was hope for him.

Jason got up from his couch. He was renting a small, dingy apartment in the Narrows, right on the scene in case there was danger. He walked over to his fridge, on the hunt for a beer.

His phone rang, and he immediately became more annoyed. No one knew his number, so a wrong number was the worst thing he could expect.

He was wrong.

_"Hey, Jason?"_

Jason flinched inwardly as he recognized his elder "brother's" voice.

"Dick?" he said. "How the hell did you get the number?"

_"Oh, nice. Y'know, normal people usually answer with, hi, how're you doing?" _Ever since Koriand'r had regained her memories, she had gotten back with Dick, and the two were planning on getting married... again. But it made for an even more annoyingly cheerful Nightwing.

"What do you want?" Jason grunted, opening his beer. It popped with a fizz.

_"Don't chug that drink," _Dick warned. _"I need you to do some driving for me."_

"What?" He took a swig anyway, loudly. He heard Dick sigh.

_"I, um... forgot, Bruce wanted me to pick Damian up from school today. Well, uh, I, uh, can't, I forgot I'm doing... stuff." _Stuff... could mean anywhere from special League work to a date with Kory. _"So, can you pick him up for me?"_

Jason swished the alcohol around in his mouth, letting it burn his mouth. And then he realized what Dick was asking, and choked. He almost lost the liquid, but managed to force it down. He coughed, gasping for breath.

_"Uh, Jason? Are you okay? It's only a small favor."_

Jason held up a hand, before realizing Dick couldn't see him.

"I'm fine," he choked. "Did I hear you right? You want me to be like some fucking parent/guardian that picks up their kid at _school_? I'm a fucking assassin!"

_"Yeah, I did just ask you to do that," _Dick answered, sounding irritated. _"And please watch your mouth around Damian. I know he's probably heard it all by now, but he's still eleven, for God's sake..."_

Jason gaped.

"I can't believe I'm hearing this," he said.

_"Well, first off, what else are you doing? Lying on your couch and guzzling beer, eating bon-bons, watching Opera re-runs."_

"I'm not-,"

_"Second, you owe Bruce. And you owe me. This could pay off both debts."_

"Whoa, wait. I don't watch Opera, and what the hell are bon-bons? And I don't owe you anything."

He heard Dick breathe, as if he was waiting for him to remember. As a matter of fact, he did remember, Nightwing had saved his life, multiple times.

_What a way to pay that off..._

"Fine," he said, in a tone that said he would rather gargle razor-blades. "But this pays everything off. Understand?"

_"Deal. Thanks, Jay."_

"Yeah, yeah, whatever..."

He heard a click that said that Dick had hung up. He put the phone down, before he stared at it.

"Wait, where the hell does he go to school?!"

* * *

Remember, this is just for fun.


	2. Chapter 2

Here's the next chapter! I hope I have all of the people's personalities right. I'm heavily basing Jason off of Dean Winchester, hence the Impala that he drives(and the cover image).

* * *

**Jason cruised to a halt outside of GothamMiddle School, feeling a little out of place. His old, beat-up Chevrolet Impala looked very out of place with all of the fancy vehicles that these rich kids were now climbing into. Limos were the standard. He got more than one bad look for his car.**

_Hey, I keep this baby clean. She's my pride and joy. Back off, mutherfu-,_

"Oh, god."

He heard the word, and his inner ear recognized the voice as that of Damian Wayne's. His "little brother" had spotted the Impala, and had clearly seen Jason. He probably wanted to die now.

He looked out his window, seeing Damian, dressed in his school uniform, a look of horror on his face. A blonde boy was standing next to him, looking around.

"There's my mom," the kid said. "See you later, Damian."

"Yeah, yeah..." He stood rooted to the spot as his friend walked away. Jason beckoned impatiently, wanting to get out of there in a hurry.

"What are you doing here?" he hissed, getting into the passenger seat. "Where's Grayson?"

"Dickie bird is busy right now," Jason said irritably, backing out into the street. "Probably banging his girlfriend. Anywho, he's too busy to pick you up, so here I am."

Damian was giving him a look that could kill. Jason kept him in his peripheral vision, fully aware that this little brat could reasonably murder him as he drove.

"Why didn't you call Pennyworth to borrow a decent vehicle?" he demanded. "I'm used to leaving school in a normal transportation, rather than in this junk."

"Hey!" Jason snapped. "Watch what you're calling junk."

They drove in silence for a moment. Jason headed to Highway 75, trying to get onto the freeway out to GothamHeights.

The silence was getting awkward. Jason finally snapped.

"So. How was school?" Damian gave him an evil look.

"What do you care?" he said.

"I can ask what you've been up to, can't I?" Jason demanded. "I don't have to engage in conversation with you, demon spawn."

"Then don't."

"Hey, I don't give a flying-,"

Dick's remonstrating gaze came to his mind.

"-flying Grayson what you did, just answer my question!"

Damian snorted.

"Nice," he said scathingly. "I bet Grayson told you not to swear in front of me."

Jason ground his teeth.

* * *

**They drove in silence for a while.**

Jason had indulged in a little road rage for a few moments, arguing with a pedestrian who thought he had the right of way. Damian had sunk his face in his hands as Jason stopped the car in the middle of the street, got out, walked over to the guy, and started chewing him out. Cars honked as the light turned green. Jason stormed back to the car, yelling at the traffic and flipping them off.

"What the hell is this world coming to?" he asked hypothetically. Damian raised his head from his hands.

"You could have been arrested. Which is no more than you deserve, but I'd rather not have anything to do with you when that happens."

"What do you mean, 'when?'"

But at that moment, Jason's cell phone rang. He cursed, seeing who it was.

000-000-0000

"Bruce or Dick," he said. "Only they call from a scrambled number."

He really didn't want to answer, but the ringtone was Bad Romance, an old prank by Roy. He still hadn't changed it.

"What?" he barked. Damian jumped.

_"Hey, Jason, listen, I need you to do something else for me."_

"Dick, I swear to God..."

But before Jason could let him have it, Damian had grabbed Jason's arm, forcing the phone closer to his own mouth.

"Help!" he yelled, the volume making Jason jump. "Help! Todd's kidnapped me, and he's been drinking and I think he's gonna kill me!"

"Let go!" Jason shouted, almost crashing the car. "I haven't been drinking!"

"I smell alcohol!"

"That was earlier!"

The cell phone made a sudden loud screeching sound. Damian let go and covered his ears, while Jason was deafened in his right ear. They both yelled.

When it was over, Dick spoke.

_"Jason, sorry about that, but I need you to pick up Tim from college as well."_

"Wait, what the fu... the hell was that?"

_"It was an ultrasonic noise generator. Mostly for bat summoning, but I tweaked it a little bit." _He fell silent, and Jason heard rustling. _"Sorry, Kory."_

"Tell her I said hi," Damian said grumpily, rubbing his ears. Jason was pretty sure his was bleeding.

And then it hit him.

"Tim too?!" he bellowed. "When does it end?!

* * *

**The story was that Tim's motorcycle had been impounded, due to illegal parking. Figures.**

Gotham U was located close by, thankfully, and Jason reasoned that at least he didn't have to be with Damian the whole way back to Wayne Manor. That didn't stop Damian from grumbling all the way to the university.

Once again, Jason felt horribly out of place with all of the limos and fancy cars. Most of the students were so filthy rich that when cars get dirty, they don't wash them... they replace them.

And once again, he got dirty looks for his car. At least this time Tim, who was dressed in a sloppy manner with his shirt and tie in a way that was considered "cool," didn't react in outright horror when he saw Jason's car. No, it was when he saw Jason that he recoiled.

"Jason," he said, looking up and down the body of the Impala. "How's it going?"

"Just get in the damn car."


	3. Chapter 3

**Whatever hopes Jason had had of Tim distracting Damian went out the window in the first five minutes.**

Tim sat in the back seat, not even putting up an argument when Damian had locked his door. And now he sat, chin in hand, leaning against the door, gazing dreamily out the window. This is very unlike Tim, who was usually very interactive with Damian, at least. Jason kept an eye on him in the rear mirror. There was something very familiar about the way he leaned on the rest, eyes glazed over.

_Come on, Tim... what's eating you...?_

And then it hit him. Tim was acting love-struck. Probably because he was love-struck.

"Good day today?" he asked casually, checking his side. Tim shrugged. Damian had plugged his earbuds in and was listening to his music. But then he took them out and swore.

"Does Dick know you say words like that?" Jason asked sardonically. "What happened?" Damian gave him a look that could have killed.

"I forgot to charge it last night," he said, shoving it back in his pocket. "Can you put on the radio?"

"Better than that," Jason said, pushing in the tape he had in the player. Damian scowled.

"You have one of those?" he asked. "I didn't think they were still legal..."

"Whatever," Jason said, pressing play.

Damian and Tim both jumped as _Highway To Hell _began to blast over the speakers. Jason started nodding to the beat, but the horror didn't begin till he started singing along.

"I'm on a hiiiiiiiighway to hell," he screeched along. Damian put his hands over his ears. Tim tapped Jason on the shoulder, but he ignored it. Damian screwed up his face.

"Change it!" he bellowed, his not-yet-broken voice. Jason looked him right in the eye.

"Driver picks the music," he said loudly. "Shotgun shuts his pie-hole."

Tim wasn't paying attention anymore. He was rummaging in his pocket, and eventually pulled out an iPhone 5. He looked at it for a moment, and then his face perked up. He tapped Jason on the shoulder again, harder. Finally, Jason said "What!?"

"Got a text... can you turn that down?!" he yelled over the chorus. Irritated, Jason turned the volume dial, ever so slightly. "I just got a text from Alfred."

"Alfred texts?!" Jason asked incredulously. Tim grinned.

"Just because some of us live in the 90's with their phones doesn't mean we all do," he quipped.

"Bastard," Jason grumbled, acknowledging his antique cell phone. "What'd Alfred say?"

"He said he's engaged in some sort of butler war right now," Tim answered. "Don't ask. But he's asked if we can pick up Cassandra for him from her college."

Jason groaned, letting his head fall back on the head-rest. He then banged it against the steering wheel, pulling the car over.

For a long time they remained there, just sitting, staring at Jason, who was still slumped over. Finally, the tape started playing _Eye Of The Tiger_, and he sat up suddenly, putting the car in gear, turning her around.

"Right!" he said loudly as the opening guitar riffs started. "Let's go pick up the crazed ninja assassin!"

* * *

**Jason still kept an eye on Tim.**

If his suspicions were correct, than Tim had developed a crush on Cass, and that feeling was mutual. Unfortunately, neither had told the other about their feelings, and seemed to think they didn't feel that way. Jason, luckily, had avoided all of that teenage drama when he was growing up(due to his teenage adolescence being cut short by the Joker beating him to death with a crowbar). But he knew how to spot certain inclinations when he saw it.

"So does Alfred usually pick Cass up?" Jason asked, trying to pass the time. Damian had thus far tuned out, but now turned his head.

"Uh, yeah, I think so," Tim answered, rubbing his neck. _Yeah, definitely a sign. _"Alfred's kinda amazing like that."

"How'd you lose your bike?"

Damian snorted.

"Parked it illegally," he said mercilessly. "Imagine that, the swan princess losing his only mode of transportation."

Tim reddened, turning to look at Damian.

"Will you give it a rest?" he demanded. "It wasn't parked illegally, it was moved."

"Moved?" Jason asked, while Damian snorted again. "What, you were framed?"

"Yes!" Tim said. "I was fighting some of the Riddler's guys at the time. It was part of some riddle he wanted me to solve. Well, this was one crime he couldn't go to jail for."

"I'm sorry," Jason said, laughing. "The Riddler gets you in trouble? The guy's a joke!"

"And his so-called 'riddles' are child's play!" Damian added. Tim scowled.

"Yeah, well, there was a lot going on at the time."

Jason chuckled, turning his attention back to the road. They were coming back into the city. Road rage commence.

* * *

**"Jason, seriously, that guy was going to arrest you."**

"Like hell. I had the right of way!"

"But that doesn't mean you can threaten the other guy with testicle damage."

For a so-called "Outlaw," Jason was very picky about driving laws. Maybe because he spent so much of his time traversing rooftops.

"How much closer are we?"

Tim looked at his iPhone again.

"Just around the next block," he said. "She didn't want to go somewhere too expensive, because she'd feel out of place."

Good. That meant his Impala wouldn't be too terribly noticed.

But when he turned the corner, his jaw dropped. He hadn't realized it, but he had been heading right for the GriffinUniversity. Albeit, it was Gotham U, but the place was known for it's prestige in the world of academics. Why on earth would Cass want to come here? He was surprised she hadn't killed her more liberal professors yet.

And there she was, clad in a black skirt and sweat shirt, clutching a bag full of books. Her Oriental eyes traveled over the parking lot, clearly searching for whatever Alfred drove. She didn't catch sight of the Impala before a group of guys came over to her.

"Oh, god," Jason said, craning his neck. "Tim, better go rescue her."

"Are you kidding?" Damian said. "Cain is the only one who could possibly beat my father in hand-to-hand combat, there's no way-,"

"No, I don't care about her safety," Jason said. "She's about to massacre those poor fools. Tim, seriously, go. Whenever there's bloodshed, the police and everybody else tend to think it was me." Damian stared at him.

"That's because it usually is you."

"Shut up."

Tim sighed, getting out of the car. Jason watched as he walked away, and then leaned closer to Damian.

"So, have you spotted anything between Tim and Cass?" he asked bluntly. Damian turned his head slowly to look at Jason.

"Oh, my god," he said slowly. "You have no idea. It's literally painful watching their pathetic attempts at being coy and uninterested when we all know they are."

"Okay," Jason went on. "Now I have nothing against Tim anymore."

"Big of you," Damian scoffed. "Considering you almost killed him. Twice."

"Yeah, well, I was a little insane then," Jason waved the criticism aside. "Anyway, I think we can engineer something, right?" Damian raised an eyebrow. Yeah, he had the Wayne look of disdain down pat.

"Why?"

"Because he's our brother," Jason hissed, still waiting for the screams that would signal Cass losing it. "And... I kinda owe him."

_I owe damn near everybody, don't I? _

Damian still didn't look convinced, but at that moment, both back doors opened, and Cass and Tim slid into the car.

"Okay!" Tim said, sounding a little breathless. "Let's go!"

Jason gunned it. He didn't need to look in the mirror to see Cass's face. He could tell she was livid.

"Hi, Cass," Damian said, bored, now flicking through a slightly porno magazine Jason had kept under the seat.

There was silence, except for Tim's breathing, and Cassandra's exhalation through her nose.

"Those bastards tried to hit on me!" she whispered loudly. Damian shrugged, turning the page. Jason blew out his breath, feeling a little like a guy who just survived going to jail.

Well, as a matter of fact, he just did.

* * *

I really don't know where this story is going. Bear with me.


	4. Chapter 4

So, here's the next chapter, DINNER! Thank you Xenitha for the story idea, because I wasn't sure how this would end. But yes, this now has a point, other than I wanted to write a silly story for a change. Seriously.

* * *

**"Uh, Jason?"**

"Oh, god, what is it now?"

"Well, it is a while till we get to GothamHeights, let alone Wayne Manor. And, um, well..."

"You drive slower than Alfred when he's transporting all of us," Damian said bluntly. "Meaning you're slow."

"And, yeah, we're getting kinda hungry here, so..."

Jason felt like throwing something. So much for he owed Tim.

"You expect me to feed you?" he asked. "Is it not enough that I come all the way out to pick you up from your damn schools that I need to feed you now?" Tim cleared his throat.

"No, I mean, I'll pay, there's a restaurant really close here. I got money for all of us."

Now that he mentioned it, Jason was feeling a little peckish, which meant he would probably eat five hamburgers in a row. Maybe he could get a beer and have Tim drive... his Impala... like hell.

But his throat was really parched. Hmm... perhaps...

"This place got a bar?" he asked. Tim rolled his eyes.

"Yes, Jason, I have my license, I'll be the designated driver..."

"You're the best replacement I could ever have asked for."

"Don't bring that up."

* * *

**But when they got to the diner, Logan's Steakhouse, Jason had another question.**

"This place serve food?" he demanded after a half-hour wait. Cass was still huffy over the incident, and Damian had taken the porn magazine inside with him. Tim was looking both disapproving and glancing every so often. Jason would have laughed at the both of them if it weren't for the fact that he was so damn hungry.

"You really shouldn't read that," Tim said half-heartedly. Damian shot him a look.

"Why, you want to?" When Tim fell silent, he continued. "Well, you can have it anyway. There's no article of worth or of clothing in it. Utter waste of time." He looked at Jason. "Wouldn't expect much from Todd, anyway."

"Seriously, we've been sitting here for thirty minutes!" he complained loudly. "And counting!" He turned his voice to the kitchen. It was pretty full, and most of the waiters were occupied with other, more patient customers. Jason huffed his breath.

"Not even in Bludhaven..." he muttered. "I swear..."

"How much money do you have, Drake?" Damian inquired. "Because I have a few thousand here..."

"A few what?"

Jason gaped as Damian pulled out hundred after hundred from his pocket. Tim shrugged.

"Well, I'd say I got a little closer to ten thousand," he said dismissively. "Maybe if we pool our money together we can own this joint..."

"Gimme that."

And with pick-pocketing skills he had mastered as a child living on the streets, he filched the money on the table and the bills and credit card Tim was holding. He got up and made his way to the offices.

The others traded looks, and then hurried after him.

The door had swung shut by the time they got to it. Damian grabbed the other two, holding them back.

"Wait," he said, an evil glint in his eye. "Let's wait and watch Todd make a fool of himself."

So they all peeped in through the window.

They saw Jason gesticulating wildly, while the poor manager was leaning as far back in his chair as he could. Jason slammed his hands on the table, getting into the guy's face. The manager seemed to be stammering something, and since all of the kids could lip read, they had no problem figuring out what he was saying.

"Please, sir, I'm going to call the police..."

"No you're not," Jason said, and they could hear him through the door. "I own this dump now. See?" He flashed the money in front of the manager's face. "So, you can just get the hell out of here and get me a burger. Several. Now."

"Sir, I'm not authorized to make a transaction of money on behalf of..."

"What do you mean? You're the friggin' manager."

"Sir, this is a chain restaurant. I'd have to speak to the CEO before I can sell this property."

"Do you know who I am?!"

"N-no sir..."

"I'M BATMAN!"

* * *

**The upshot of it was they had to skedaddle before the cops showed up. **

"Great going Todd," Damian grumbled. "I'm Batman...'"

"It seemed like a good idea," Jason growled, and it wasn't his voice that was growling either. By now it was getting late, and none of them had eaten since lunch.

"Well, there's a nice little diner close by..." Tim said half-heartedly.

"No. We go to where we should have gone in the first place." Jason turned the wheel, parking the car in the parking lot of a seedy little establishment.

"Jason, you're the only one above the drinking age," Tim reminded him, looking a little worried.

"Tim," Cass said. "It's okay. You can drive us home."

"Sure can," Jason said. "Now, let's get some chow."

* * *

**The place was even seedier inside than it was outside.**

They got a table to themselves, and not long after, a waitress had shown up.

"What can I get you?" she asked, taking a notepad out of her bra, which was clearly visible, as well as an ample amount of flesh.

"Burgers," Jason said, flashing a killer smile. "As many as this will buy."

Tim and Damian had taken back their money, but Jason had still managed to keep hold of a few hundreds. The waitress's heavily made-up eyes widened.

"Sure thing, sugar," she said, smiling widely. She took the money and left. Jason leaned back, folding his hands behind his head.

"And that, ladies and gentlemen," he said, "is how you get dinner."

"We know how to get dinner," Damian scowled. "I can't believe I'm still here."

"I can't believe it either," Jason said, taking the bait. "Why don't you go play with scissors or something."

Tim shot him a look, but didn't say anything.

"So, how was everyone's day?" Jason inquired. "Not that I care, or anything..."

"It was fine," Tim answered first. "Tech class was fun. We were given permission to hack into Wayne Tech, Department A. Lucius Fox was there at the other end if we got in far enough. I went farther, and found out Bruce has a new Batmobile in the works."

"Department A doesn't deal with Batman," Damian said.

"No, but who said I stayed there?"

Jason chuckled. His brother's computer skills were unrivalled by anyone else in the Bat Family.

"How about you, Cass?"

Cass shrugged, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Jason noticed how Tim turned slightly when he looked at her. Oh yeah, he was in love.

"I don't understand the concept of..." She thought for a moment. "Communal souls."

"Oh, great," Jason burst out, while Damian laughed. "Communism. Lemme tell you..."

"Don't let him get into a philosophical discussion with you," Tim warned. "Basically, every system sucks and the politicians should all be killed."

They all looked at Jason.

"Well, they should!"

They continued to look at him. He turned to Damian.

"Don't even think about it," Damian warned.

* * *

Logan's Steakhouse is a real place. It's not bad, but the wait really is horrible. At least, it is where I live.


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry this one's a little late, but I was a wee bit busy yesterday, and yeah... anyway, let's bring Dick into the mix! So yeah, sorry **booklover1498**... _I lied! _It wasn't intentional, I promise. I just thought of it after we spoke.

* * *

**Dick Grayson entered the bar, feeling annoyed and slightly anxious.**

Tim hadn't texted him in a while, and he hadn't heard anything from Jason, not even a complaint about how the three kids were messing up his car. It worried him, but when he had finally tracked them down, he had a sinking sense of dread.

His worst fears were confirmed when he saw that, at 10:27 in the evening, Jason was slumped over a table, his arm curled around a bottle, several empty ones lying around the table and ground. Damian was snoring next to him. Tim and Cass were no where to be seen.

Dick went over to Damian and poked him hard in the ribs. He awoke with a start, arms flailing wildly.

"Whoa!" Dick said, backing off. "It's me."

Damian stared at him, wide-eyed. And then his brain seemed to register that it was Dick, and he let out his breath, slumping back in his seat.

"Finally," he mumbled. "Where were you, Grayson?"

"Busy, and you know it," Dick said reproachfully. "Damian, this was exactly what you were supposed to avoid!"

"Avoid!?" Damian screeched. Jason snored loudly. "Todd showed up at my school! I have been in torture for the last seven hours!"

"Damian, do you know what day it is today?"

Damian frowned.

"No, I don't. And I don't care."

Dick looked around, seeing almost no one there.

"Where's Tim? And Cass?"

Damian gave a little smirk, holding up his phone.

"They're in the same place," he said, grinning evilly. "I got lots of evidence about that."

Dick shook his head. Out of all the times they could have gotten together, tonight had to be the night.

"Where are they?" he asked, sighing. Damian jerked his head toward the bathrooms.

"Tim was supposed to drive," he said. "Don't think that's happening."

Dick sighed again, heading off toward the small hallway where the bathrooms were located.

He didn't have to go far. In the corner there appeared to be a sort of wrestling match between Tim and Cass, and Dick really didn't need his darkness vision kicking in right now.

He cleared his throat loudly, and a sound like a plunger coming out was heard. Heavy breathing followed.

"Dick?" Tim asked, his voice slightly slurred. "Hey, where'd you come from...?"

"Wow, Tim," Dick said, shaking his head. "Just... wow. Cass, get up. We're leaving."

He waited until Tim had stood up and Cass had tucked her shirt in. They walked up unsteadily, and Dick hit them both with an injector needle in the neck. They both rubbed the spot, before they began rubbing their heads.

"Owwww..." Cass groaned, while Tim shut his eyes tight.

"Is that the new liquid purifier?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"Congratulations," Dick said. "You're the first human beings to become completely sober in the space of three seconds." He shook his head again. "I'm very disappointed in you guys."

"Sorry," they both mumbled apologetically.

"That's no way to start a relationship," Dick went on, vividly remembering Kory's first attempts to come onto him. He said they should wait, and boy had he been glad. "Now, let's go make Jason the third person to become sober."

They all went back to the table, where Jason was still slumped over, snoring. Damian was poking him repeatedly in the ribs, disinterested.

"Damian, what are you...?" But before Tim could finish, Dick had shot Jason with the new formula.

He jerked up, eyes wide open. And then he shut them, shaking his head.

"Oh, hell," he said. "How long was I out?"

"Three hours," Dick answered. "I hope."

"Dick," Jason said. "'Bout damn time. Ow!" He clutched his side. "What the hell...?"

Damian smiled. He had been creating a massive bruise in Jason's side while he was sleeping. Jason glowered at him.

"Well, come on," Dick said, beckoning to the door. "Let's get out of here. Jason, where are your keys?"

"Why?" Jason asked suspiciously. Dick made sure no one was around to hear him.

"I kinda arrived under my own steam," he said, parting his shirt to reveal his Nightwing suit underneath. "But I still don't trust any of you driving with hangovers. So..."

Growling, Jason handed over his keys. Dick jerked his head to the door, letting everybody file past him, looking dejected.

* * *

**"Whaddya mean, you can't drive stick?!"**

"Hey, the Bat Mobile's automatic, that's how I learned!"

Jason was finding out, to his horror that Dick couldn't drive manual. That didn't stop him from trying though.

"Dude, even I know how to drive manual!" Tim said from the back seat. Damian was crunched in between him and Cass, and since he was the ultimate romance killer, it worked for Dick.

"Yeah, well, sorry, never had to learn it," Dick said irritably. He jerked the wheel, coming out onto the street before changing gears.

"Who do you think you are, Daniel Craig?!" Jason asked, panicking. "Pull over, I'm driving!"

"No way!" Dick said, and now it was a challenge he had to overcome, no matter what the odds. The odds, however, were his brothers killing him just to save their own lives.

"My car!" Jason cried as Dick stalled the vehicle. "My beautiful Impala!"

"Dammit," Dick muttered, forgetting which pedal was the clutch. "Ah, that's it..."

He started the car again, flooring it.

"Oops!" he said, laughing slightly. Jason looked at him, horrified.

"Oops?" he repeated, his voice rising in volume and in pitch. "Oops!? Don't you dare say oops when you're driving my car!"

"Jason calm down!" Cass said, holding onto Damian for dear life. So was Tim, so therefore Damian was suffocating in the back. He almost wished Dick would crash the car, so that it would end his suffering and get revenge on the rest.

Jason shut his eyes very tight, suddenly finding God in his life. Because if divine intervention didn't save them, nothing would.

"Don't tell me we're going all the way back to Wayne Manor!" Tim yelled, getting an elbow in the ribs from Damian as the car jerked to the side. Despite his saying he learned to drive automatic, Dick was swiftly proving that he didn't learn how to drive period.

"Nope!" Dick said loudly over Jason's whimpering. "I still can't believe you forgot what day it is today..."

"It's not day!" Damian burst out. "It's night! I should be out on patrol with Father now!"

"Well, Bruce isn't out on patrol right now," Dick said, beginning to feel the drain on his soul that being cooped up in a car with four uncooperative Bat kids. "We're meeting up with him."

"Good," Damian mumbled. "At least he can drive."

"Actually, most of the time, he's got the Bat Mobile on auto-pilot," Tim confided to Damian. "He taught Dick how to drive."

Whatever effects Jason had been feeling of a hangover were gone, replaced by the fear of death and damage to his Impala.

He was really hating everyone right now.

* * *

MUAHAHAHAHA! Jason's getting his comeuppance for being a bad guy!


	6. Chapter 6

****Okay, I'm wrapping this story up! It's been fun, and I'd like to do more. On the other hand, I should get back to writing my Ultimate Teen Titans series... which do you guys want? Lemme know.

* * *

**Dick parked, or rather jerked the car to a stop outside of some brightly colored restaurant.**

"Dick," Jason said, noticing where they were stopped. "This is a handicapped zone."

"Oh, don't worry," Dick said dismissively. "No one will ever notice."

Jason was about to argue, but Dick tossed him back his keys, for which he was eternally grateful.

"Where are we?" he asked, getting out of the car. Dick chuckled, while Tim performed a face-palm.

"Red Robin," he said, grinning. Damian rolled his eyes, while Cass stared up at the bright red neon sign.

"This is a joke, right?" Jason asked, a sinking feeling in his stomach. "Why the hell...?"

"Well, since everybody seems to have forgotten _what day it is today_," Dick said, emphasizing the last few words and looking pointedly at everyone else, "I guess I'd better enlighten you. Once we're inside."

So they trudged inside. And who was there to open the door for them but...

"Alfred?!"

The elderly butler was standing in relative attention inside the building. A thin smile creased his lips.

"Welcome, young masters," he said, bending forward slightly. "I hope you all had a pleasant journey..."

Groans and stifled laughter.

"... and I hope Master Tim appreciates the joke."

Tim rolled his eyes.

"Really, Alfred?" he asked. "Really?"

Alfred gave a small smile, and then beckoned them toward a table in the back. Jason was feeling more and more anxious with each step. He couldn't help shake the feeling that this was a set-up, and that he was being set up. Damian's, Tim's, and Cass's faces weren't helping, as slow smiles crept on their lips(except Damian, he just kinda smirked).

Sitting in a corner table was Bruce Wayne and Barbara Gordon, waiting for them. Now Jason was really getting worried.

"Jason!" Barbara called out, beckoning him closer. He bent down to give her a hug, as she was still in her wheelchair. As he straightened up, he looked at Bruce.

"How are you, Jay?" he asked, holding out his hand. Jason took it, shaking it firmly, but not smiling.

"What's going on?" he asked, glancing around. Everyone was smiling at him(except for Damian, he was still smirking evilly). "Okay, this is getting creepy..."

"Well, it took everyone long enough to remember," Dick said, "but..." He took a deep breath.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" everyone shouted.

* * *

**Jason felt like slapping himself.**

He had been set up, from the moment he woke up this morning. Because today was his birthday. How could he forget?

Easy. He never celebrated it since his return from the dead. He had never felt the need, considering his entire birth had become moot by his death. But now he was here, and they all knew, and they had thrown him a surprise party.

Surrounded by his "family..." once that would have seemed like a horrible idea. Now, it felt... normal. Good. Great, even.

Dick gave him a present first.

"I wanted to give you something not expensive," Dick admitted. "Kory's controlling most of my cash at the moment."

It turned out to be a dart gun, but with real darts. Jason aimed it at no one in particular, and everyone ducked. He laughed.

"Trying to get me to stop killing?" he asked Dick, but before he could answer, he said, "thanks."

Tim's gift was an iPhone 4S. Jason held it up, pretending to be a Neatherdal.

"Can I eat it?" he asked. "Well, at least I can stop listening to Lady Gaga every time my phone goes off..."

"You never figured out how to change that?" Tim asked incredulously. "Wow, I need to coach you..."

Cass's present was a picture collage she had made of photos of the Bat Family after Jason had rejoined them. Pics of Jason, Tim, and Dick posing like models, Damian sitting in a massive chair stroking a white cat, Jason being surprised by a kiss on each cheek by Cass and Barbara, Alfred and Bruce smiling, and the whole family goofing off.

Jason tried to find something sarcastically grateful to say, but found his throat stuck. His vision blurred. He turned red as he realized that he was showing emotion other than hatred. Tim slapped him on the shoulder, and Jason grabbed his arm.

"Thanks, guys," he whispered hoarsely.

"Wait, there's more!" Dick said, picking up Barbara's present.

It was a box, a big one. Jason opened it, and revealed a full head Iron Man toy helmet, and everyone burst out laughing.

Alfred had gotten him several books on how to live by yourself in style. A lot of them were cookbooks, and Jason knew he was never going to open them. But he appreciated the thought.

Finally, Bruce.

"My present is not here," he said. "I'll have to get Lucius to show you tomorrow. But I gave you a new suit, because I noticed your old one has a few holes in it."

"You mean, _my_ old suit," Dick muttered, but grinned. Jason was stunned.

"Wait, what?"

"Full Kevlar-lined weave with armor plates for ensured protection," Bruce said. "Matte black, with built in tech to monitor your vitals and extra sensors that can be streamlined to a HUD in your helmet. Right now, it doesn't have a symbol one it." He looked Jason straight in the eye. "But I'll be very proud if you'll wear the Bat again."

Jason laughed, choked up with emotion again. That was Bruce all over, practical, yet very meaningful at the same time.

"Bruce," he said. "Thanks."

Damian was still grinning evilly. Jason noticed that Dick hadn't reprimanded him for not giving Jason a present, so he assumed the demon spawn had another surprise planned.

"Don't thank us yet," Barbara said, gesturing her arm. The staff came out from behind the kitchen doors.

"Oh, no, no, no, NO!" Jason protested, but too late.

_"It's your birthday, happy birthday, and we're all gonna celebrate, hey, hey, hey!" _the staff sang, and the others joined in. Jason sunk his head in his hands. But everyone knew he was secretly pleased.

* * *

**It had been the best birthday of his life, and debatably the best day of his life.**

Of course, it couldn't last. At 1:00 in the morning, Jason walked out with his family, and saw...

"My car!" he yelled, seeing the Impala being towed away and a police car in the spot next to where it had been parked... illegally. "What the hell are you doing?!"

The cop, who had been leaning against his car, nodding off, walked over to Jason.

"You the owner of this vehicle?" he asked, rubbing circles under his eyes.

"Hell yes!" Jason said. "Where do you think you're taking it?!"

"Away," the cop said irritably, slapping a ticket on Jason's jacket. "Parking in a handicapped zone, driving at speeds higher than the normal flow of traffic, and God knows what else you did tonight..."

Jason turned, seeing Dick looking at his watch and then glancing up.

"GRRAAAAAAYSSSSOOOOOON!"

* * *

**The night wasn't over yet.**

At 7:45, when Jason finally stumbled into his apartment to get some sleep, he found Damian's birthday present.

On his countertop, he found a handwritten note by the little guy.

_You know what they say, when you give, give 100%! Happy Birthday, Todd._

He heard a meow, and his heart sank.

"Oh, no," he whispered. "Oh, hell no..."

A wave of fur leapt on him, claws out, teeth sharp, spit flying. Six, seven, fifteen, _twenty-five _cats hurled themselves upon him, driving him to the ground.

Any warm fuzzy feelings he had for his family vanished. It was time for some people... or animals... to die.

One thing was for sure... Red Hood was back.

* * *

I had to include the cats. I just had to. And I didn't include Stephanie Brown because I don't like her.

Thank you, and good night.


End file.
